Finding true love and building a healthy relationship is something most of us desire. But unfortunately, what appears to be a loving and happy relationship can sometimes morph into something destructive – abuse. Understanding the tactics abusers use is crucial to identifying and escaping an unhealthy relationship.
One hallmark of an abusive relationship is the abuser’s relentless attempt to control their partner’s thoughts and opinions. This might manifest through constant disagreement, even over trivial matters. The message conveyed is that the partner’s views hold no value. The abuser may interrupt their partner mid-sentence, dismissing her opinion with words or a condescending tone, effectively shutting down any conversation. The goal is to silence the partner and make her feel like her thoughts are unimportant. Over time, this erodes the partner’s self-esteem and self-confidence, making it harder for the abused women to leave the relationship.
Here’s an example of how this might play out in a conversation:
Woman: “Honey, I was thinking we could try that new Italian restaurant downtown this weekend.”
Abuser: (interrupting) “Italian? Again? We just had pasta last week. Besides, that place is overpriced and probably not that good.” (dismissive tone)
This scenario demonstrates several abusive techniques:
Denial of Anger: The abuser might deny his obvious irritation.
Insults: The abuser may use put-downs to belittle his partner.
Disrespect: The partner’s opinion is blatantly disregarded.
Control: Legitimate disagreement is not allowed.
Degradation: The abuser’s words chip away at the partner’s confidence.
Another tactic abusers employ is unpredictability. The abused partner never knows when the next abusive outburst might occur or what triggers it. Periods of seeming normalcy and affection can abruptly shift into the abuser becoming critical of everything the partner does. Anger may erupt seemingly out of nowhere, leaving the abused partner confused and wondering what she did wrong – which is the abuser’s goal. This calculated unpredictability disorients the victim, making her question her own sanity and judgment. As the woman’s insecurity grows, she feels increasingly incapable of leaving the relationship, which aligns perfectly with the abuser’s goal of maintaining control.
The bedroom can also become a battleground for control. Some abusers prioritize their own sexual gratification, disregarding their partner’s needs. After fulfilling their own desires, any request from the partner might be met with accusations of selfishness or inadequacy. This further erodes the woman’s sexual confidence and self-esteem, leaving her questioning her own judgment. In other scenarios, the abuser may shower the woman with affection but only to manipulate her into praising him. Again, it’s about fulfilling the abuser’s needs, not fostering a genuine and loving connection.
If you recognize any of these tactics in your relationship, it’s crucial to understand abusive dynamics and techniques, and seek help. Talking to an expert like Dr. John B. Evans, PhD, the author of “Why You Do That,” can be the first step towards understanding, healing, and recovery in the hope of building a safe and healthy future.
“Why You Do That” by John B. Evans, Ph.D., LCSW, is a remarkable book—a guide that will help you recognize and understand your most basic personality traits. With prominent tips, strategies, expert guidance, real-time examples, and information, this book will give you an accurate and comprehensive self-awareness and give you the self-control that allows you to choose who you will be in life. By providing an overview of various personality traits found in the narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, dependent, shy, and many other personalities, this book promotes understanding among family members and tackles multiple topics, such as abuse and other relationship difficulties. This book also provides comprehensive information about personality styles and disorders, and past and present family functioning. You can order your copy of Why You Do That here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CN52988M
Being in an abusive relationship is a nightmare, so seeking professional counseling and support is critical. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and love. You may contact Dr. Evans via his website at Log Cabin Counseling: https://logcabincounseling.com